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TED Talks, Esther Perel | The secret to desire in a long-term relationship (1)

Esther Perel | The secret to desire in a long-term relationship (1)

So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That's the million-dollar question, right? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples? 00:44 (Laughter) 00:46 It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it? And when you love, how does it feel? And when you desire, how is it different? 00:54 These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love. So I travel the globe, and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire. A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting -- desire as an expression of our individuality, of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity -- desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love and individualistic societies. 01:33 You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term not because we want 14 children, for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it, and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty. This is the first time that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire. 02:04 So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- you get the gist.For journey, for travel. 02:53 So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. 03:26 (Laughter) 03:29 So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given,and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that. 03:55 (Laughter) 03:57 (Applause) 04:01 So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right? Because I think, in some way -- and I'll come back to that -- but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination. 04:14 So why does good sex so often fade? What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict? Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism. 04:26 So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have." And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want." In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with, that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district. You know? In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract. 05:20 But then I took a question with me. And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn. And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back. 05:42 So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite. Basically, when I get back in touch with my ability to imagine myself with my partner, when my imagination comes back in the picture, and when I can root it in absence and in longing, which is a major component of desire. 06:11 But then the second group is even more interesting. I am most drawn to my partner when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage, when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about, when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him, when I see her hold court. Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident. Probably the biggest turn-on across the board. Radiant, as in self-sustaining. I look at this person -- by the way, in desire people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one, five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is. 06:50 But it's also not when the other person is that far apart that you no longer see them. It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance, where this person that is already so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan, lies that movement toward the other. Because sometimes, as Proust says, mystery is not about traveling to new places, but it's about looking with new eyes. And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own, doing something in which they are enveloped, I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception, and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me. 07:39 And then, more importantly, in this description about the other or myself -- it's the same --what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody. There is no caretaking in desire. Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac. 07:58 (Laughter) 07:59 I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on by somebody who needs them. Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shot down and women have known that forever,because anything that will bring up parenthood will usually decrease the erotic charge. 08:13 (Laughter) 08:15 For good reasons, right? 08:16 And then the third group of answers usually would be: when I'm surprised, when we laugh together, as somebody said to me in the office today, when he's in his tux, so I said, you know, it's either the tux or the cowboy boots. But basically it's when there is novelty. But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques. Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen? 08:46 Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh? Sex is a place you go.It's a space you enter inside yourself and with another, or others. So where do you go in sex?What parts of you do you connect to? What do you seek to express there? Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union? Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive? Is it a place where you can finally surrender and not have to take responsibility for everything? Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes? What comes out there? It's a language. It isn't just a behavior. And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in, which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence. 09:31 You know, animals have sex. It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct. We are the only ones who have an erotic life, which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination. We are the only ones who can make love for hours, have a blissful time, multiple orgasms, and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it. We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it. We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation, which is a mortar to desire. The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening, to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening and everything is happening, at the same time. 10:15 So when I began to think about eroticism, I began to think about the poetics of sex. And if I look at it as an intelligence, then it's something that you cultivate. What are the ingredients?Imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, mystery. But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination. 10:38 But more importantly, for me to begin to understand who are the couples who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it through a bifurcation by looking, actually, at trauma,which is the other side. And I looked at it, looking at the community that I had grown up in,which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, and in my community, there were two groups: those who didn't die, and those who came back to life. And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust,because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can't lift your head to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. Those who came back to lifewere those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with, I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex," but generally, people want better sex, and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,of Eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped it would afford them. 11:59 And so I began to ask a different question. "I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question. "I turn off my desires when ..." Which is not the same question as, "What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..." And people began to say, "I turn myself off when I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body, when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself,when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you, when I don't perform well at work,when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth, when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take, to receive pleasure." 12:37 And then I began to ask the reverse question. "I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time, people like to ask the question, "You turn me on, what turns me on," and I'm out of the question, you know? Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's. It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk. 12:55 (Laughter) 12:57 So I turn myself on when, I turn on my desires, I wake up when .

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Esther Perel | The secret to desire in a long-term relationship (1) Esther Perel | Das Geheimnis der Lust in einer Langzeitbeziehung (1) Esther Perel | El secreto del deseo en una relación duradera (1) Esther Perel | Le secret du désir dans une relation à long terme (1) Esther Perel | Il segreto del desiderio in una relazione a lungo termine (1) エスター・ペレル|長期的な関係で欲望を満たす秘訣(1)。 Esther Perel | Het geheim van verlangen in een langdurige relatie (1) Esther Perel | O segredo do desejo numa relação duradoura (1) Эстер Перель | Секрет желания в долгосрочных отношениях (1) Ester Perel | Uzun süreli bir ilişkide arzu duymanın sırrı (1) 以斯帖佩雷尔 |在长期关系中渴望的秘诀(1) 以斯帖佩雷尔 |在长期关系中渴望的秘诀(1)

So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? Peki, birbirini her zamankinden daha çok sevmeye devam eden çiftler için bile iyi seks neden bu kadar sık kaybolur? 那么,为什么良好的性生活如此频繁地消失,即使对于像以往一样继续相爱的夫妻也是如此? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? ولماذا لا تضمن العلاقة الحميمة الجنس الجيد خلافا للاعتقاد السائد؟ Ir kodėl geras intymumas negarantuoja gero sekso, priešingai nei paplitęs įsitikinimas? 与普遍的看法相反,为什么良好的亲密关系并不能保证良好的性生活? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? Arba kitas klausimas būtų, ar galime norėti to, ką jau turime? That’s the million-dollar question, right? And why is the forbidden so erotic? Ir kodėl draudžiama yra tokia erotika? 为什么禁忌如此色情? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent? ||||Übertretung||||| Kas yra nusikaltimas, dėl kurio noras tampa toks stiprus? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples? |||||||||erotische||| ولماذا يتسبب الجنس في خلق الأطفال ، ويتسبب الأطفال في كارثة جنسية بين الأزواج؟ Ir kodėl seksas sukelia kūdikius, o kūdikiai sukelia erotinę katastrofą porose? 为什么性爱会让孩子出生,孩子在夫妻中意味着性爱灾难? 00:44 (Laughter)   00:46 It’s kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn’t it? 00:44 (ضحك) 00:46 إنها نوع من الضربة الجنسية القاتلة ، أليس كذلك؟ 00:44 (Juokas) 00:46 Tai kažkoks mirtinas erotinis smūgis, ar ne? 00:44(笑声)00:46 这是致命的性欲打击,不是吗? And when you love, how does it feel? O kai myli, kaip tai jaučiasi? 当你爱的时候,那种感觉是怎样的? And when you desire, how is it different? 00:54 These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love. ||||||||||||||||||||||begleitenden|||| So I travel the globe, and what I’m noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire. A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting -- desire as an expression of our individuality, of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity -- desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love and individualistic societies. أزمة الرغبة ، كما هو الحال في امتلاك الرغبة - الرغبة كتعبير عن فرديتنا وخيارنا الحر وتفضيلاتنا وهويتنا - الرغبة التي أصبحت مفهومًا مركزيًا كجزء من الحب الحديث والمجتمعات الفردية. 01:33 You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term not because we want 14 children, for which we need to have even more because many of them won’t make it, and not because it is exclusively a woman’s marital duty. 01:33 كما تعلم ، هذه هي المرة الأولى في تاريخ البشرية حيث نحاول تجربة النشاط الجنسي على المدى الطويل ليس لأننا نريد 14 طفلاً ، ونحن بحاجة إلى المزيد لأن الكثير منهم لن ينجحوا وليس لأنه واجب زوجي حصري للمرأة. 01:33 Žinote, tai yra pirmas kartas žmonijos istorijoje, kai mes bandome patirti seksualumą ilgalaikėje perspektyvoje ne todėl, kad norėtume 14 vaikų, kurių mums reikia turėti dar daugiau, nes daugelis jų nepadarys ne todėl, kad tai būtų išimtinai moters santuokinė pareiga. This is the first time that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire. هذه هي المرة الأولى التي نريد فيها ممارسة الجنس بمرور الوقت حول المتعة والتواصل المتجذر في الرغبة. Tai pirmas kartas, kai ilgainiui norime sekso apie malonumą ir ryšį, kurio šaknys yra troškimas. 02:04 So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? ||erhält||||||| And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. |||||||||||||||Versöhnung||||| Manau, kad įsipareigojimų palaikymo troškimas yra dviejų pagrindinių žmogaus poreikių derinimas. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. Por um lado, nossa necessidade de segurança, de previsibilidade, de proteção, de confiabilidade, de confiabilidade, de permanência. All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. Todas essas experiências de ancoragem e ancoragem de nossas vidas que chamamos de lar. But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- you get the gist.For journey, for travel. 02:53 So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. ||||||||||||||||||||||Nachfolge||Geselligkeit Брак был экономическим институтом, в котором вы получали партнерство на всю жизнь в плане детей, социального статуса, наследства и дружеского общения. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. Но теперь мы хотим, чтобы наш партнер по-прежнему давал нам все это, но в дополнение к этому я хочу, чтобы ты был моим лучшим другом, надежным доверенным лицом и страстным любовником в придачу, и мы жили в два раза дольше. Але тепер ми хочемо, щоб наш партнер все ще давав нам усе це, але крім того, я хочу, щоб ти був моїм найкращим другом, моєю надійною довіреною особою та моїм пристрасним коханцем, щоб ми жили вдвічі довше. 但现在我们希望我们的伴侣仍然给我们所有这些东西,但另外我想你成为我的最好的朋友和信任的知己,也是我充满激情的爱人,而且我们生活得更长。 03:26 (Laughter)   03:29 So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. 03:26 (Risos) 03:29 Então, chegamos a uma pessoa, e basicamente estamos pedindo a ela que nos dê o que uma vez uma aldeia inteira costumava fornecer. 03:26 (笑声) 03:29 所以我们去找一个人,基本上是在要求他们给我们曾经整个村庄提供的东西。 Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. ||Zugehörigkeit||||||||||Transzendenz||||||| 给我归属,给我身份,给我延续性,但同时给我超越和神秘感和敬畏感。 Give me comfort, give me edge. Dame comodidad, dame ventaja. Дайте мне комфорт, дайте мне край. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given,and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that. 03:55 (Laughter)   03:57 (Applause)   04:01 So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right? Because I think, in some way -- and I’ll come back to that -- but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination. 04:14 So why does good sex so often fade? 04:14 Тож чому хороший секс так часто зникає? What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict? Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism. Тому що в цьому криється таємниця еротики. 04:26 So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it’s "to have." And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want." In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. Ми хочемо скоротити цей розрив. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we’ve already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. vorhersehbare|||||| Забутий висновок не зберігає наш інтерес. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with, that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district. У бажанні ми хочемо Іншого, когось з іншого боку, до кого ми можемо піти в гості, з ким ми можемо піти провести деякий час, щоб ми могли піти подивитися, що відбувається в їхньому кварталі червоних ліхтарів. 在欲望中,我们想要另一个人,一个我们可以去拜访的人,在那一边,我们可以花些时间,我们可以去看看他们红灯区发生了什么。 You know? 你明白吗? In desire, we want a bridge to cross. 在欲望中,我们想要一座可以跨越的桥。 Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. And when it’s said like that, it’s often quite abstract. 05:20 But then I took a question with me. And I’ve gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? За последние несколько лет я объездил более 20 стран с книгой "Спаривание в неволе" и спрашивал людей: "Когда вы испытываете наибольшее влечение к своему партнеру? І за останні кілька років я побував у більш ніж 20 країнах із «Спарюванням у неволі» і запитував людей, коли вас найбільше тягне до вашого партнера? Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn. Сексуально не приваблює сам по собі, але найбільше. And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back. Крім культури, релігії та статі – за винятком однієї – є кілька відповідей, які постійно повертаються. 05:42 So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite. ||||||||||||||||||||||wiedervereinen Basically, when I get back in touch with my ability to imagine myself with my partner, when my imagination comes back in the picture, and when I can root it in absence and in longing, which is a major component of desire. 06:11 But then the second group is even more interesting. I am most drawn to my partner when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage, when he is in his element, when she’s doing something she’s passionate about, when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him, when I see her hold court. Мене найбільше тягне до мого партнера, коли я бачу його в студії, коли вона на сцені, коли він у своїй стихії, коли вона робить те, що їй подобається, коли я бачу його на вечірці, і інші люди справді до нього тягнуться , коли я бачу, як вона проводить суд. Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident. Probably the biggest turn-on across the board. Пожалуй, это самый большой плюс для всех. Radiant, as in self-sustaining. I look at this person -- by the way, in desire people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one, five centimeters from each other. ||||||||||||||||||verschmolzen||||Zentimeter||| I don’t know in inches how much that is. 06:50 But it’s also not when the other person is that far apart that you no longer see them. It’s when I’m looking at my partner from a comfortable distance, where this person that is already so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan, lies that movement toward the other. Because sometimes, as Proust says, mystery is not about traveling to new places, but it’s about looking with new eyes. And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own, doing something in which they are enveloped, I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception, and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me. 07:39 And then, more importantly, in this description about the other or myself -- it’s the same --what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire. 07:39 Y luego, lo mas importante, en esta descripcion sobre el otro o sobre mi mismo -- es lo mismo -- lo mas interesante es que no hay necesidad en el deseo. Nobody needs anybody. Нікому ніхто не потрібен. There is no caretaking in desire. У бажанні немає турботи. Caretaking is mightily loving. Турбота дуже любить. It’s a powerful anti-aphrodisiac. 07:58 (Laughter)   07:59 I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on by somebody who needs them. Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shot down and women have known that forever,because anything that will bring up parenthood will usually decrease the erotic charge. 08:13 (Laughter)   08:15 For good reasons, right? 08:16 And then the third group of answers usually would be: when I’m surprised, when we laugh together, as somebody said to me in the office today, when he’s in his tux, so I said, you know, it’s either the tux or the cowboy boots. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||Smoking||||||||||||| But basically it’s when there is novelty. But novelty isn’t about new positions. It isn’t a repertoire of techniques. Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? Новизна заключается в том, какие части себя вы раскрываете? What parts of you are just being seen? 08:46 Because in some way one could say sex isn’t something you do, eh? Sex is a place you go.It’s a space you enter inside yourself and with another, or others. So where do you go in sex?What parts of you do you connect to? What do you seek to express there? Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union? Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive? |||||озорство||||||||| |||||Ungezogenheit||||||||| Is it a place where you can finally surrender and not have to take responsibility for everything? ||||||||aufgeben|||||||| Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes? |||||||||инфантильные желания| |||||||||kindlichen| What comes out there? It’s a language. It isn’t just a behavior. And it’s the poetic of that language that I’m interested in, which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence. 09:31 You know, animals have sex. It’s the pivot, it’s biology, it’s the natural instinct. ||Dreh-|||||| We are the only ones who have an erotic life, which means that it’s sexuality transformed by the human imagination. |||||die|||||||||||||| We are the only ones who can make love for hours, have a blissful time, multiple orgasms, and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it. |||||||||||||блаженное время|||||||||||| |||||||||||||selige|||||||||||| We can hint at it. Мы|||| We don’t even have to do it. We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation, which is a mortar to desire. |||||||||||Bindemittel|| Мы можем испытать ту мощную вещь, которая называется предвкушением и является залогом желания. The ability to imagine it, as if it’s happening, to experience it as if it’s happening, while nothing is happening and everything is happening, at the same time. Здатність уявляти це так, ніби це відбувається, переживати це так, ніби це відбувається, в той час як нічого не відбувається і все відбувається одночасно. 10:15 So when I began to think about eroticism, I began to think about the poetics of sex. And if I look at it as an intelligence, then it’s something that you cultivate. What are the ingredients?Imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, mystery. But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination. 10:38 But more importantly, for me to begin to understand who are the couples who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it through a bifurcation by looking, actually, at trauma,which is the other side. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||раздвоение, развилка, бифуркация|||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||Gabelung|||||||||| And I looked at it, looking at the community that I had grown up in,which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, and in my community, there were two groups: those who didn’t die, and those who came back to life. And those who didn’t die lived often very tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust,because when you’re vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can’t lift your head to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. ||||||||привязаны к земле||||||||||||||бдительный||||||||||||||||||||||| |||nicht|||||gebunden||||||||||||||wachsam||||||||||||||||||||||| Those who came back to lifewere those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with, I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex," but generally, people want better sex, and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,of Eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they’ve hoped it would afford them. ||||||||бесполость|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||живость||живость|||||||||||||||||||||| 11:59 And so I began to ask a different question. "I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question. "I turn off my desires when ..." Which is not the same question as, "What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..." And people began to say, "I turn myself off when I feel dead inside, when I don’t like my body, when I feel old, when I haven’t had time for myself,when I haven’t had a chance to even check in with you, when I don’t perform well at work,when I feel low self esteem, when I don’t have a sense of self-worth, when I don’t feel like I have a right to want, to take, to receive pleasure." |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||самооценка||||||||||||||||||||||||| 12:37 And then I began to ask the reverse question. "I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time, people like to ask the question, "You turn me on, what turns me on," and I’m out of the question, you know? Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine’s. It won’t make a dent. ||||Eindruck Це не зробить вм’ятину. There is nobody at the reception desk. 12:55 (Laughter)   12:57 So I turn myself on when, I turn on my desires, I wake up when .